Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
