new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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