it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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