fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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