you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
