So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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