If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
