he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
