I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
