My nipple is on Facebook.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
