I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize