I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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