Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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