from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize