Soap is not a condiment
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize