jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
