I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize