Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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