I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
