how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
