In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
