that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm both gender and math confused
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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