How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
love makes seman taste better
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
