I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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