nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
