I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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