I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The adults are the big ones right?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
