and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
