Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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