if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
