Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i will never coherently bang her
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Randomize
