Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
