i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
