she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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