I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
