Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Randomize
