dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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