i don't plan on having that self control this summer
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
My cat gives me a boner
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize