what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
