So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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