I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
