Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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