I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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