I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize