i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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