I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
