just come out here and I will go home with you...
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize