I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
