I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
