she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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