Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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