Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
