I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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