I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
