9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
