I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize