i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
